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Pre-Cooked Lasagna
1 package lasagna noodles
(I don't care if the noodles say "pre-cooked", unless you are cooking at 250 F, and are using tomato juice instead of sauce, the things are going to taste funny, and will have the consistency of the world's funkiest snack food. If you are a college student, are stuck cooking with a toaster oven , or are a bachelor or bachelorette living with your buddies, I guess you have an excuse. Yes, I am one of those strange people that cooks the pre-cooked lasagna for seven minutes in water while it is bringing itself up to a boil, and then for three more minutes while it is boiling.)
Dr. Stupid's Lasagna with a Straw
1 Package Pre-Cooked Lasagna
1 pint tomato juice
1 8 ounce or 10 ounce can diced tomatoes
1 4 ounce package pre-shredded mozzarella cheese
1 half-pint of vodka
For sandwiches
8 slices white American cheese
1/4 pound turkey
1/4 pound ham
1 large beefsteak tomato
1 4 ounce or 8 ounce package of salad greens
oil and vinegar if you purchased the 8 ounce package of salad greens for the small salad
mayonnaise and mustard to taste
loaf of Italian bread
6 pack of beer (to drink while waiting for lasagna)
Assemble ingredients on table, make sure you have everything you need.
Line the pan (It could be something square, like an 8" x 8" x 5", or something rectangular, like a meatloaf tray - just something that looks like it will serve two or three starving college students)with olive oil, place first layer of "pre-cooked" lasagna noodles in pan. Gently pour tomato juice on top of first lasagna noodle. Then add some diced tomatoes and some pre-shredded mozzarella, with a spoon or with clean hands. Make the layer about 1/2 inch thick of tomatoes and mozzarella, then add the next noodle, and add some more tomato juice, enough so that the mixture is completely covered with tomato juice, then add more diced tomatoes and more mozzarella. Keep on repeating until the mixture is 1/2 inch to 1 inch from the top, being certain to add the tomato juice last.
Then, place the dish in the oven carefully, being careful to keep all of the juice in the lasagna tray or meatloaf pan. Turn the heat on to 250 F. (If you are also cooking the brownies, they will cook for 1/2 hour, just like the lasagna.)
Save the vodka for the lasagna, you will need it, drink the beer while the lasagna is cooking. Hide the vodka if you need to in the kitchen cabinet by the oven, or inside the flour canister. The lasagna will taste much better with the vodka in the lasagna. You do not want to cook the lasagna with the vodka inside of the lasagna, unless you have bought the cheap stuff. If you are scraping the bottom of the barrel, by all means, dump the vodka onto the lasagna, and try to avoid cursing yourself out for purchasing stuff that Siberians shower with.
Now, you can make a couple of sandwiches and drink some beer while you are waiting for the lasagna. Cut the Italian bread into four pieces vertically. Now, open up the six pack of beer, and offer one to everyone in the room. You will not be disturbed while you are cutting each of the four slices horizontally. Be sure to place each slice on a cutting board or on a dinner plate prior to slicing horizontally. A tip is to place the bread white side face down on the cutting surface, which also leaves a white side facing up. Now, you are able to slice it just like regular bread. If you do this operation for four plates, you already have four plates ready for dinner. Take the salad mix, place it in a bowl, add a couple of large spoons, or salad tongs, then invite your guests in to prepare their own sandwiches.
Everyone should be finished with their meal around the time the lasagna is finished cooking. Get a dishtowel on your hands if you do not have an oven mitt or a potholder. These pans are hot when they are in the oven. Take the lasagna out of the oven, and allow to cool for a few minutes. Then, take a large soup scoop or a small teacup and strain out the extra tomato juice into a large bowl. Add the vodka to the lasagna and to the tomato juice. You are in business, as long as the sink is not overflowing with dishes, or your dinner buddies are not dancing on the countertops or the table.
You may want to clean the table, or wipe off the lasagna tray, or add water to the kitchen utensils that you want to avoid placing in the circular file bin.
Chaos may ensue after this lasagna is served.
If you are using a toaster oven, this will suffice for a meal. Just be certain to use a meatloaf pan to cook it in. No, this will not cook in a George Foreman sandwich grille, that's a really stupid answer for a question that nobody ever asked me.
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